Lately, I’ve been doing a quite a bit of soul searching and thinking… it’s really easy to find yourself lost when you realize that your self-medicating to survive has landed you in a place that you never thought you’d be in. By that, in case you were not aware… I’ve been struggling a lot recently with my mental health, specifically the will to stay alive. And it’s always been this cloud over my head but I thought of it a lot like this…
“I’m not suicidal, but if a car came while I was crossing the street, I don’t think I would move out of its way. And if someone help a gun to my head, I wouldn’t exactly beg for my life. In fact, I’d laugh and tell them to go for it. No, I’m not suicidal. But if I had an opportunity to die without having to kill myself, I’d probably take it.” -unknown
Recently, that facade came crashing down around me and I was left feeling very empty, unsure, and terrified. I never thought that I would actively think about dying every single day, at my own hand. Reaching out for help seemed like the best option, but I’ve always had a really bad experience with that and did not think that this was the best time to go into that setting without trust.
So. I decided to self-medicate. This did not start as an active decision at all, it all happened by accident. I had returned home from a few nights away with my parents, very overwhelmed by my emotional state and the exhaustion from the outing, I decided to drink that night. Take a load off, have some fun. Ya know?
I was in between buzzed and tipsy when you start to lose feeling in your face, you know that crossover between the two right? I felt really good. I felt happy. Drunk me has this habit of calling people to tell them how much she loves them, so I would imagine that I called my best friend that night, but I was giggling and smiling. For the first time in what felt like forever. So it became a routine, every night and slowly progressed to where I am right now… either asleep or intoxicated. And yeah, I know. It’s not healthy. It’s not the right solution. I understand. I’m getting help, but you needed that backstory to really understand where a lot of this heavy-hearted feeling comes from.
In my soul searching, I thought a lot about what really brought me to this place… Did I take a wrong turn somewhere? Did I do something wrong? Why me? No answers. But, I took a really long hard look back at my life, one thing really stuck out to me and keeps weighing on my conscious. — I distinctly remember walking home from my bus stop about three days into my sixth-grade year and all I could think about the whole way home was, “How am I still alive?” I kept asking myself that. Over and over. All my life, I really thought that I would be dead before I was 12. Or however old you are in that grade. Isn’t that fucked up? It’s taken me these last few months to really allow that memory to sink in and absorb what it was trying to tell me… This isn’t my fault. From as early back as I can genuinely remember, I thought that I was going to die young. It. Was. Depression. Not me. Not something that I did. Just depression. Upon this understanding, I’ve reached out for help. Help that I trust.
— some thanks —
I know that it’s not necessary to thank you… but I really just want you all to know how much I appreciate you. I’m sorry these are so jumbled and confusing.
Special thanks for my other half for always being there at the drop of a hat and calling to reassure me when I need it most. I don’t know what I’d do without you. (DT)
Babygirl, thank you so much for picking up with me where we left off and still being my rock after all these years. Words cannot express how happy I am to have you back in my life again… I hope to guide you through your struggles as you have helped me through mine. Stay strong. (D)
Thank you to the two best friends that a girl could ever ask for! You two walked into my life when I needed you the most and have continuously kept brightening up my days, keep me mostly sane, and always give me something to look forward to. (HB)
I couldn’t ask for two better lifelong friends, thank you for always sticking by my side and for always being my rescuers when called upon. A girl couldn’t ask for more from the people who know her best. (GM)
Oh sis, thank you so much for never judging me and always being my sounding board, for keeping all my secrets and trusting me with yours. I’m so lucky to have met you and be able to call you, family. (E)
And of course, thank you to the friend who returned and decided to rebuild with me… meeting you years ago was one of the biggest blessings of joining our little corner of the world. You have taught me so much over the years and I cannot thank you enough. (K)
Special thanks to one of my newest friends, you truly mean more to me than you realize… getting closer to you over this last month or so has been wonderful. Thank you for being my confidant for things that I can’t say out loud and helping me work through them. (BM)
& lastly, to my newest best friend… I couldn’t think of just one ideal thing to thank you for… so thank you for everything. You have been such a wonderful blessing in my life and I’m so grateful to have met you. (M)
Thank you. I cannot stress it enough that I appreciate & love you all, you make my life so much better.