heartfelt | hodgepodge | inner workings | life | thank you

heavy-hearted & thanks

By on August 1, 2018

Lately, I’ve been doing a quite a bit of soul searching and thinking… it’s really easy to find yourself lost when you realize that your self-medicating to survive has landed you in a place that you never thought you’d be in. By that, in case you were not aware… I’ve been struggling a lot recently with my mental health, specifically the will to stay alive. And it’s always been this cloud over my head but I thought of it a lot like this…

“I’m not suicidal, but if a car came while I was crossing the street, I don’t think I would move out of its way. And if someone help a gun to my head, I wouldn’t exactly beg for my life. In fact, I’d laugh and tell them to go for it. No, I’m not suicidal. But if I had an opportunity to die without having to kill myself, I’d probably take it.” -unknown

Recently, that facade came crashing down around me and I was left feeling very empty, unsure, and terrified. I never thought that I would actively think about dying every single day, at my own hand. Reaching out for help seemed like the best option, but I’ve always had a really bad experience with that and did not think that this was the best time to go into that setting without trust.
So. I decided to self-medicate. This did not start as an active decision at all, it all happened by accident. I had returned home from a few nights away with my parents, very overwhelmed by my emotional state and the exhaustion from the outing, I decided to drink that night. Take a load off, have some fun. Ya know?
I was in between buzzed and tipsy when you start to lose feeling in your face, you know that crossover between the two right? I felt really good. I felt happy. Drunk me has this habit of calling people to tell them how much she loves them, so I would imagine that I called my best friend that night, but I was giggling and smiling. For the first time in what felt like forever. So it became a routine, every night and slowly progressed to where I am right now… either asleep or intoxicated. And yeah, I know. It’s not healthy. It’s not the right solution. I understand. I’m getting help, but you needed that backstory to really understand where a lot of this heavy-hearted feeling comes from.

In my soul searching, I thought a lot about what really brought me to this place… Did I take a wrong turn somewhere? Did I do something wrong? Why me? No answers. But, I took a really long hard look back at my life, one thing really stuck out to me and keeps weighing on my conscious. — I distinctly remember walking home from my bus stop about three days into my sixth-grade year and all I could think about the whole way home was, “How am I still alive?” I kept asking myself that. Over and over. All my life, I really thought that I would be dead before I was 12. Or however old you are in that grade. Isn’t that fucked up? It’s taken me these last few months to really allow that memory to sink in and absorb what it was trying to tell me… This isn’t my fault. From as early back as I can genuinely remember, I thought that I was going to die young. It. Was. Depression. Not me. Not something that I did. Just depression. Upon this understanding, I’ve reached out for help. Help that I trust.

— some thanks —

I know that it’s not necessary to thank you… but I really just want you all to know how much I appreciate you. I’m sorry these are so jumbled and confusing.

Special thanks for my other half for always being there at the drop of a hat and calling to reassure me when I need it most. I don’t know what I’d do without you. (DT)

Babygirl, thank you so much for picking up with me where we left off and still being my rock after all these years. Words cannot express how happy I am to have you back in my life again… I hope to guide you through your struggles as you have helped me through mine. Stay strong. (D)

Thank you to the two best friends that a girl could ever ask for! You two walked into my life when I needed you the most and have continuously kept brightening up my days, keep me mostly sane, and always give me something to look forward to. (HB)

I couldn’t ask for two better lifelong friends, thank you for always sticking by my side and for always being my rescuers when called upon. A girl couldn’t ask for more from the people who know her best. (GM)

Oh sis, thank you so much for never judging me and always being my sounding board, for keeping all my secrets and trusting me with yours. I’m so lucky to have met you and be able to call you, family. (E)

And of course, thank you to the friend who returned and decided to rebuild with me… meeting you years ago was one of the biggest blessings of joining our little corner of the world. You have taught me so much over the years and I cannot thank you enough. (K)

Special thanks to one of my newest friends, you truly mean more to me than you realize… getting closer to you over this last month or so has been wonderful. Thank you for being my confidant for things that I can’t say out loud and helping me work through them. (BM)

& lastly, to my newest best friend… I couldn’t think of just one ideal thing to thank you for… so thank you for everything. You have been such a wonderful blessing in my life and I’m so grateful to have met you. (M)

Thank you. I cannot stress it enough that I appreciate & love you all, you make my life so much better.

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advice | appreciation | bestfriend | heartfelt | letter | life | love

to the friend who’s struggling to love herself

By on July 14, 2018

“Stop calling yourself a failure. There are planets and stars in your eyes, and there are fires and oceans in your veins. Your head is a forest, your heart is a meadow, and you are a work of art.” -3 am

Dear Friend,

Ever since we met, I have had nothing but admiration for your strength. You have been through hell and back, yet you view this world in rose-colored glasses and have such a deep love for the people around you. It’s really inspiring. I have watched you grow into your own, learn to love your family and the friends you made along the way, learn to appreciate the love people gave you, and see you outgrow people. And over the years, seeing all the rest of what you’ve endured has only made that admiration grow and made me look up to you that much more. Words can never express how absolutely magnificent you are. Really.

Every time you called me, crying, asking for me to come to be your rescue… It has been my greatest honor knowing that you put so much stock in our friendship that it’s your oasis from the world. I loved seeing your face light up and mood drastically change by simply being around me, your aura is infectious. You light up every room that you enter and your happiness is so contagious. You make it absolutely impossible to be depressed in your presence. And I know that right now, it’s really hard for you to see just how much you’re worth in this world… but believe me, everyone that’s met you is much better for having known you. This world wouldn’t be the same without you here, I’m so ecstatic that you are alive. And that you continue to be alive every single day.

Things aren’t going to change overnight, it’s going to be a very long journey to loving yourself. But please take this with you, you are so worth loving. You are worth more than everything good that this universe has to offer. Take the time to love yourself just as much as you love everyone else because not are they better for it, you will be as well.

So… no matter what happens, no matter what anyone tells you, you are so loved. No matter what situations life throws towards you, you always have and always will be loved. You are worth so much more than your experiences in this world and you are worth so much more than your reactions to them. And no matter what you may face in this life of yours, I will always be here by your side to remind you of your worth. Forever. Because that’s what friends do and that’s the least I could do for all you’ve given me.

“If you have been brutally broken, but still have the courage to be gentle to others then you deserve a love deeper than the ocean itself.” -Nikita Gill

 

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quotes

just some quotes (frequently updated)

By on July 13, 2018

 

PLEASE GIVE ME CREDIT FOR THESE

“Be careful when you lean down to pick up a penny, you may lose a dime in the process.” -d.k.r

“Don’t call me an angel for Lucifer was once an angel too.” -d.k.r

“A leopard doesn’t change it’s spots and you my dear, are a leopard blending in with a ton of cheetahs.” -d.k.r

“I really hope that someday you wake up and realize what it is you’ve lost. I want it to hit you like a train filled with coal, I want the regret to bury you so deeply… because when you wake up and begin missing me, remember that I’ve fought my battle. I may have lost but at least I walked away knowing the better person here, is me.” -d.k.r

“You were my sunshine and I was your thunderstorm.” -d.k.r

“People are going to tell you that I was wrong for you, that it was my fault, and that you can do better. But I hope you know, deep in your heart that they’re lying through their teeth and you fucked up on the best thing you never even had.” -d.k.r

“You can never out grow the love a teddy bear gives you.” -d.k.r

“I loved you like the horizon loves the sunrise but you hated me like I was the sunset.” -d.k.r

“I have a whole heart of gold, so why are you picking up the shavings?” -d.k.r

“I enjoy being weird, it’s the only thing that ever stays the same.” -d.k.r

“…she was the greatest thing to ever happen to me. She made me want to be a better person and strive to live, which is exactly what I did. She was my once in a lifetime but I blew it. Whatever you do, don’t let her walk away because I promise you that she’s not coming back. If there’s anything she knows over all, it’s just how much she’s worth…” -d.k.r; advice from a former lover.

“Life is a masquerade, everyone hides parts of themselves that they don’t want others to see, it’s just a mask that’s sometimes only half there.” -d.k.r

“But her deep sea colored eyes took my breath away, they made me stop thinking. It was a sick game and I wanted out because I knew that I’d lose.” -d.k.r

” ‘I always wonder what would have happened if we worked out.’ she said with sorrow in her voice. ‘Yeah, me too..’ he said as tears filled his eyes. ‘I have dreams about the future we planned together.’ -and that was when it hit me, you will always be my biggest ‘what if?’ ” -d.k.r

“And once I started to stand up for myself, you decided to play victim.” -d.k.r

“He looked at me like I was a statue upon a pedestal.” -d.k.r

“I’d rather be connected to who you are at 2 a.m over who you are at 2 p.m.” -d.k.r

“You hold a special place in my heart because after everyone, you were the only one I wanted to give a second chance too.” -d.k.r

“A black rose has a beautiful story where as a red one is simply beautiful.” -d.k.r

“I will not be waiting.” -d.k.r; a five word story

“And when another girl comes along falling for you the way I did, please don’t break her heart. If you don’t feel the same, please tell her from the start.” -d.k.r

“You do not complete me, therefore- remember I do not need you, I’m choosing to want you.” -d.k.r

“Why walk around in chains if you aren’t guilty?” -d.k.r

 

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inner workings

this is about me, not you. (wip)

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I’ve thought about this explanation for quite awhile; how to explain something that doesn’t have an explaination, but here it goes. I have grown up under a name that I could not call my own, like a shirt that didn’t fit right. I felt like I was in the wrong skin. Imagine who you would be if your name was something different, like Shannon, David, Paisley, Mark for example, really anything… Do you think that you would be the same person? Imagine if you and your siblings were given each others name instead- do you think you would be more like they are and they like you? Do you think that you would feel right being called something else? Would you feel like you?

I’m guessing the answer is either “No.” or something like “It would be different if I grew up with that.” And you’re right, it would be different, you wouldn’t know the person you are today if you were named something else because you wouldn’t be you, the you right here and now; you would be someone else. A name is an identity, it’s one of the first things that people learn about you. Every name has a stereotype attached to it, not to offend anyone by the way, but Brad and Chad are seen as dumb douche-y jocks, Brittney is seen as a bimbo blonde, or how about Samatha? They’re seen as being boring, bland, very plain. Every name is pretty massive, so with that majority rules, whatever personality is most common… it fulfills the stereotype. For me, it was always this sophistication attached to a self-entitlement, everyone that I’ve ever met with my birth name- just the same spelling honestly, has been the absolute worst human beings that I’ve ever met. I’ve had people tell me years after being in the same school that my name is why they did not want to be friends with me, that they were afraid I was “too full of myself.” That’s why I’ve wanted to change my name. I am not my birth name.

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life | love | relationships

not every woman is trying to steal your man

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More specifically, not everyone that your significant other talks to wants in their pants or to push you out of the picture… but that was a really long title. These days it’s common for jealousy to be found in relationships, it’s often thought of as being cute, affectionate, or protective. But it’s actually the opposite; it’s very controlling, abusive, and manipulative. No one deserves to be treated that way. Before you stop reading and decide to jump down my throat, let me explain a little. It’s fine if you have respectable boundaries; such as, not going to get massages with an ex or something. Those things are pretty self-explanatory and within reason if both parties oblige.

I’m talking about the society standard that you can’t talk to anyone of the opposite or “threatening” gender, that every one of the opposite sex who breathes in your significant others direction is a whore or a fuckboy. It doesn’t even go both ways either, the standard for women is that you’re supposed to be this psycho, crazy, obsessive bitch but as a guy, you’re supposed to have all these side women, be sneaky, but still be a fake gentlemen. I would say that it’s beyond unfair but most women adapt to this culture blindly trusting that this is what love is. Well it’s not.

A real partnership is something completely different. It’s trust. Communication. Understanding. And compromise. It’s something that you have to work on and through. It’s not something you can just get into then stop working for it.

Trust; I don’t think you need to trust someone with your life but I do believe that you need to have the strongest form of trust before that. You can’t be demanding passwords, to check their phones, stalking accounts, and needing to know what they do all the time. That’s not healthy at all. Trust in a relationship is not feeling the need to delete messages, telling them false plans, or hiding things from them.

Communication; Don’t expect your significant other to be able to read you mind, it’s just not possible. If something is bugging you then sit them down and tell them! Don’t sulk, be passive aggressive, or even mean in order to try and get them to catch on. There’s going to be problems and things that you don’t like, no one is perfect, but nothing can be worked on if you don’t communicate properly.

Understanding; No one is going to understand everything, not even you. It’s sometimes hard to put yourself in another person’s shoes but in a relationship, you still need to try. No matter if it’s something super small like why they hate the color yellow or something pretty big such as; why they don’t talk to their father anymore. You shouldn’t make your significant other feel bad about something that you don’t understand, keep talking about it, ask questions, get a better view into the way their mind works on these things. Never just give up on understanding the people you love.

Compromise; In every relationship; strictly platonic or otherwise, there will need to be compromises. Big ones. You’ve probably heard the phrase, “Meet in the middle.” before in your life time and that’s exactly what compromise is in a relationship. You can not expect someone to always be walking on the same level as you when it comes to things like love, marriage, kids, or anything of the sort. You need to work together and meet somewhere in the middle that’s a good spot for both of you.

Relationships aren’t always 50-50 either, sometimes you’ll need to carry the 90 because they can only give you 10. There might come a day when you can only give 10 back to them and they’ll be there to carry the 90. So… don’t use jealousy as a cover for being a controlling dickhead, don’t use it as a reason to keep them from having friends, and certainly don’t use it as an excuse for over reacting like a lot of stereotypical girls do. Let’s just put an end to these society standards of how relationships should be based on your gender and actually do the work it takes to keep a relationship.

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appreciation | bestfriend | heartfelt | letter | life | love | relationships | thank you

an open letter to my best friend

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” Twenty years from now, I am going to look back and remember that you were the one person who could turn every frown into a smile with a few simple words; that person who lifted my head when I was losing faith in myself; that one person who carried tears on his shoulders after every fight, every break up, every death; that one person that accepted every decision I’ve ever made, that one person who knew who I really was and that one person that made the biggest difference in my life… my best friend.” -Unknown

To My Best Friend,

I could write a novel on the positive impact that you’ve made on my life since we met, it would take me decades trying to make up words that encompassed everything I feel about you. However, thus far in the English language, I can tell you that you have the purest heart, the most beautiful spirit, and although I don’t have firsthand experience, yet, I know that your presence lights up any room you walk into. I know that you were put in my path for a reason and I could not possibly be more grateful for it. You are by far the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You have shown me the highest level of compassion, strength, and love that I think is possible to give to another person; I hope to someday show you half of what you’ve shown me. I’m so beyond lucky, grateful, and humbled to be influenced, touched, and loved by someone as great as you are.

I’m pretty sure that you’re the only person on Earth who knows every last one of my secrets, flaws, little ticks, and everything in between.. You’ve seen my soul. But.. for some crazy reason, you love me regardless; even when I’m pretty unlovable. You’re more than a friend or even a bestfriend, you’re apart of me… you’re my love when I’m out, my confidence when I’ve lost it, my voice when I’m without it, and most of all my light when I need it. In the short time that we’ve been friends, you have put together my broken pieces more times than I could even count, sometimes without even knowing that you’ve done it. I’d still be broken if it wasn’t for you. I just couldn’t possibly thank you enough.

Out of all the people that have walked in and out of my life, you’ve made the biggest impact. You’re that friend I’d like to be causing chaos with in the nursing homes when we’re old and our families think we’ve gone senile. I promise to be your wing woman even then! Back to the serious heartfelt stuff; you have filled my life with love, comfort, and the most unbelievable happiness and I know that wherever life may take us, we’ll always have each other. You are the complete embodiment of what a best friend should be and I really hope that everyone has the chance to meet someone like you. Most of all, I hope that you meet someone at least half as great as you are. Thank you for absolutely everything you’ve done.

 

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advice | guilt | life | regret | unnecessary

regret isn’t necessary

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Awhile ago, someone asked me a question that shook my core.

“If you could go back to a specific moment in your life and do it over, would you? Why or why not?”
When I was confronted with this question… it put on a play in my head of all the bad things that have ever happened to me. It looked like I was watching someone else’s life. There were so many things that other people would have said to go back and change, so much pain. However, I couldn’t think of a single thing I remembered that was worth changing. Even the absolute worst things that had happened to me.. were important enough to keep.
Everything that you’ve gone through in your life.. All the pain, sadness, happiness, all the other roller coasters that you’ve rode on. They’ve made you the person you are.
I don’t want to say that it’s destiny, fate, or apart of the bigger picture because that’s not it at all. I believe that we all have a purpose, no matter what decisions you make, the path you take, or whatever it may be.. You will always become the person that you are now based on those choices. Sometimes it might take you a bit longer to get there or to find your purpose but it’s in your soul. You can’t change it, you can’t avoid it, and there’s no way to lose it.
So why worry about the things that you can’t go back and change? What good does it do? Regret is this added weight on your chest, a burden that you carry. You think about those things day in and day out, it keeps you awake some nights, it clouds your judgment, it makes you overthink, and it holds you back. Why walk around in chains if you aren’t guilty?

 

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